Disheartened Today

This morning I went to my physician that has been working with me for the past 8 months. After I had my miscarriage, we were all hopeful that this meant my Clomid was working, and that I would get pregnant quickly. I started another round of Clomid a little over a month ago. However, everything indicates that I didn't ovulate this time. On top of that, the Clomid began giving me vision problems, which is considered a "serious side effect". My doctor has decided that continuing Clomid is no longer an option. However, since he is only a family physician, he doesn't feel comfortable doing anything more for me. He is referring me to a fertility specialist to see what we should do next, and I've got an appointment on Friday with an opthalmologist to check out my vision and make sure it's okay.

Essentially, the next step is to try a medicine called Femora. It has less side effects, but is much more potent than Clomid, and so it needs to be much more closely regulated and observed than the Clomid did. It's pretty cheap, but the specialist isn't covered by my insurance, so the office visits will be costly.
If that doesn't work, then the next step is artificial insemination. This usually costs about 350-500 dollars, but there's a retired doctor that will provide the service at my health center for cost only, which is about 40 dollars. If THAT doesn't work, then IVF (in vitro fertilization) will be the last chance. Unfortunately, I hope we don't reach that stage, because the going price is $10,000+.

I have to admit, this is kind of a blow. Clomid is the best, easiest, cheapest choice - one that usually works for most couples. I'm pretty sure it would work for us, too, since the miscarriage was technically a positive result. However, losing my vision would definitely not be worth it, when there are still other options. However, I'm mostly going to miss working with my doctor. I don't like being out of my comfort zone, and traveling an hour away to visit a new doctor that isn't even covered by my insurance is definitely far out of that range. I'll do it, for sure, but it will set back the whole process a few months - again. We were hoping to have a child by now - not still wondering if it's even possible! I feel like Eric and I were so naive a year and a half ago, when we thought all it would take would just be not taking a little pill every day.

I'm so ready just to be a mother - to see my husband wrestle with our kids on the floor, to see my children pointing out pictures of Jesus, to hold a little one in my arms and know that he or she is mine forever.
We even have names picked out already! Boys will be Ethan James, Benjamin David, and Joseph (something). Girls will be Emily Rae, and Rebekah Vilate. It's so hard to not be able to share my longing with anyone else - because no one else quite understands how hard it can be.