Wanna Get Away?

There is definitely a range of emotions you go through when trying to conceive. My days seem to flip-flop - some days I am completely content with where I am in life, and full of confidence and hope that some day I will get to hold my own new child in my arms. Other days, I want to lay down in bed and sleep and sleep and sleep, just to get rid of the longing ache I feel. I see pictures of happy, giggling babies, and I think "aw, how cute! When I have kids I want...." and then realize that's an opportunity that my never come my way.

I'm sure I would get a lot of flak from people for being so negative - but it's not so much that I'm negative, but that if I assume that I will get pregnant really easily, I feel like I am setting myself up for heartache. I've taken dozens of pregnancy tests over the last year, and each negative response hurts just a little more. Not only is there the pain of not having something that I want so dearly, but there is also the feeling of inadequacy, and the guilt that I can't give Eric the family that he wants, too. I KNOW it's not my fault, but it's still hard to not blame myself sometimes.

That being said, it's been a rough week this week - more than usual. After a complete mental breakdown a few nights ago, I decided to do something I never do  - be spontaneous! Without telling Eric beforehand, I went and booked a night at our favorite hotel resort (complete with in-room jacuzzi). Wednesday night is going to be our night just to take a night off from the world - no work, no family, no company - and just relax. Hooray! :)

Learning to spell opthamology...

I went to the opthamologist today. He told me that my eyes look really good, with no signs of infection, swelling, or damage. Actually, he said that he just published a medical journal report about the side effects of Clomid on vision, so this was an area he was comfortable with. Clomid was giving me what are known as tracers - essentially, when I move my hand in front of my face, a ghost hand follows a split second later.. now imagine the walls, people, stationary objects - any time my eyes move, a ghost image follows everything. Freaky, right?
Anyway, Dr. Myers (the opth.) said that this is a really minor side effect, and one that he doesn't expect to cause any damage.He gave me the all-clear to continue doing Clomid if I want/need to. Actually, what he said is "if there's another treatment, do it; but I have no concerns if your doctor wants to put you back on Clomid at some point".
I think I"ll call Dr. Willmore on Monday and see what he thinks. I suppose there is still the matter of Clomid not working,but I would really like one more chance.. it obviously worked once.

Disheartened Today

This morning I went to my physician that has been working with me for the past 8 months. After I had my miscarriage, we were all hopeful that this meant my Clomid was working, and that I would get pregnant quickly. I started another round of Clomid a little over a month ago. However, everything indicates that I didn't ovulate this time. On top of that, the Clomid began giving me vision problems, which is considered a "serious side effect". My doctor has decided that continuing Clomid is no longer an option. However, since he is only a family physician, he doesn't feel comfortable doing anything more for me. He is referring me to a fertility specialist to see what we should do next, and I've got an appointment on Friday with an opthalmologist to check out my vision and make sure it's okay.

Essentially, the next step is to try a medicine called Femora. It has less side effects, but is much more potent than Clomid, and so it needs to be much more closely regulated and observed than the Clomid did. It's pretty cheap, but the specialist isn't covered by my insurance, so the office visits will be costly.
If that doesn't work, then the next step is artificial insemination. This usually costs about 350-500 dollars, but there's a retired doctor that will provide the service at my health center for cost only, which is about 40 dollars. If THAT doesn't work, then IVF (in vitro fertilization) will be the last chance. Unfortunately, I hope we don't reach that stage, because the going price is $10,000+.

I have to admit, this is kind of a blow. Clomid is the best, easiest, cheapest choice - one that usually works for most couples. I'm pretty sure it would work for us, too, since the miscarriage was technically a positive result. However, losing my vision would definitely not be worth it, when there are still other options. However, I'm mostly going to miss working with my doctor. I don't like being out of my comfort zone, and traveling an hour away to visit a new doctor that isn't even covered by my insurance is definitely far out of that range. I'll do it, for sure, but it will set back the whole process a few months - again. We were hoping to have a child by now - not still wondering if it's even possible! I feel like Eric and I were so naive a year and a half ago, when we thought all it would take would just be not taking a little pill every day.

I'm so ready just to be a mother - to see my husband wrestle with our kids on the floor, to see my children pointing out pictures of Jesus, to hold a little one in my arms and know that he or she is mine forever.
We even have names picked out already! Boys will be Ethan James, Benjamin David, and Joseph (something). Girls will be Emily Rae, and Rebekah Vilate. It's so hard to not be able to share my longing with anyone else - because no one else quite understands how hard it can be.