There is definitely a range of emotions you go through when trying to conceive. My days seem to flip-flop - some days I am completely content with where I am in life, and full of confidence and hope that some day I will get to hold my own new child in my arms. Other days, I want to lay down in bed and sleep and sleep and sleep, just to get rid of the longing ache I feel. I see pictures of happy, giggling babies, and I think "aw, how cute! When I have kids I want...." and then realize that's an opportunity that my never come my way.
I'm sure I would get a lot of flak from people for being so negative - but it's not so much that I'm negative, but that if I assume that I will get pregnant really easily, I feel like I am setting myself up for heartache. I've taken dozens of pregnancy tests over the last year, and each negative response hurts just a little more. Not only is there the pain of not having something that I want so dearly, but there is also the feeling of inadequacy, and the guilt that I can't give Eric the family that he wants, too. I KNOW it's not my fault, but it's still hard to not blame myself sometimes.
That being said, it's been a rough week this week - more than usual. After a complete mental breakdown a few nights ago, I decided to do something I never do - be spontaneous! Without telling Eric beforehand, I went and booked a night at our favorite hotel resort (complete with in-room jacuzzi). Wednesday night is going to be our night just to take a night off from the world - no work, no family, no company - and just relax. Hooray! :)
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