There is definitely a range of emotions you go through when trying to conceive. My days seem to flip-flop - some days I am completely content with where I am in life, and full of confidence and hope that some day I will get to hold my own new child in my arms. Other days, I want to lay down in bed and sleep and sleep and sleep, just to get rid of the longing ache I feel. I see pictures of happy, giggling babies, and I think "aw, how cute! When I have kids I want...." and then realize that's an opportunity that my never come my way.
I'm sure I would get a lot of flak from people for being so negative - but it's not so much that I'm negative, but that if I assume that I will get pregnant really easily, I feel like I am setting myself up for heartache. I've taken dozens of pregnancy tests over the last year, and each negative response hurts just a little more. Not only is there the pain of not having something that I want so dearly, but there is also the feeling of inadequacy, and the guilt that I can't give Eric the family that he wants, too. I KNOW it's not my fault, but it's still hard to not blame myself sometimes.
That being said, it's been a rough week this week - more than usual. After a complete mental breakdown a few nights ago, I decided to do something I never do - be spontaneous! Without telling Eric beforehand, I went and booked a night at our favorite hotel resort (complete with in-room jacuzzi). Wednesday night is going to be our night just to take a night off from the world - no work, no family, no company - and just relax. Hooray! :)
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Learning to spell opthamology...
I went to the opthamologist today. He told me that my eyes look really good, with no signs of infection, swelling, or damage. Actually, he said that he just published a medical journal report about the side effects of Clomid on vision, so this was an area he was comfortable with. Clomid was giving me what are known as tracers - essentially, when I move my hand in front of my face, a ghost hand follows a split second later.. now imagine the walls, people, stationary objects - any time my eyes move, a ghost image follows everything. Freaky, right?
Anyway, Dr. Myers (the opth.) said that this is a really minor side effect, and one that he doesn't expect to cause any damage.He gave me the all-clear to continue doing Clomid if I want/need to. Actually, what he said is "if there's another treatment, do it; but I have no concerns if your doctor wants to put you back on Clomid at some point".
I think I"ll call Dr. Willmore on Monday and see what he thinks. I suppose there is still the matter of Clomid not working,but I would really like one more chance.. it obviously worked once.
Anyway, Dr. Myers (the opth.) said that this is a really minor side effect, and one that he doesn't expect to cause any damage.He gave me the all-clear to continue doing Clomid if I want/need to. Actually, what he said is "if there's another treatment, do it; but I have no concerns if your doctor wants to put you back on Clomid at some point".
I think I"ll call Dr. Willmore on Monday and see what he thinks. I suppose there is still the matter of Clomid not working,but I would really like one more chance.. it obviously worked once.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Disheartened Today
This morning I went to my physician that has been working with me for the past 8 months. After I had my miscarriage, we were all hopeful that this meant my Clomid was working, and that I would get pregnant quickly. I started another round of Clomid a little over a month ago. However, everything indicates that I didn't ovulate this time. On top of that, the Clomid began giving me vision problems, which is considered a "serious side effect". My doctor has decided that continuing Clomid is no longer an option. However, since he is only a family physician, he doesn't feel comfortable doing anything more for me. He is referring me to a fertility specialist to see what we should do next, and I've got an appointment on Friday with an opthalmologist to check out my vision and make sure it's okay.
Essentially, the next step is to try a medicine called Femora. It has less side effects, but is much more potent than Clomid, and so it needs to be much more closely regulated and observed than the Clomid did. It's pretty cheap, but the specialist isn't covered by my insurance, so the office visits will be costly.
If that doesn't work, then the next step is artificial insemination. This usually costs about 350-500 dollars, but there's a retired doctor that will provide the service at my health center for cost only, which is about 40 dollars. If THAT doesn't work, then IVF (in vitro fertilization) will be the last chance. Unfortunately, I hope we don't reach that stage, because the going price is $10,000+.
I have to admit, this is kind of a blow. Clomid is the best, easiest, cheapest choice - one that usually works for most couples. I'm pretty sure it would work for us, too, since the miscarriage was technically a positive result. However, losing my vision would definitely not be worth it, when there are still other options. However, I'm mostly going to miss working with my doctor. I don't like being out of my comfort zone, and traveling an hour away to visit a new doctor that isn't even covered by my insurance is definitely far out of that range. I'll do it, for sure, but it will set back the whole process a few months - again. We were hoping to have a child by now - not still wondering if it's even possible! I feel like Eric and I were so naive a year and a half ago, when we thought all it would take would just be not taking a little pill every day.
I'm so ready just to be a mother - to see my husband wrestle with our kids on the floor, to see my children pointing out pictures of Jesus, to hold a little one in my arms and know that he or she is mine forever.
We even have names picked out already! Boys will be Ethan James, Benjamin David, and Joseph (something). Girls will be Emily Rae, and Rebekah Vilate. It's so hard to not be able to share my longing with anyone else - because no one else quite understands how hard it can be.
Essentially, the next step is to try a medicine called Femora. It has less side effects, but is much more potent than Clomid, and so it needs to be much more closely regulated and observed than the Clomid did. It's pretty cheap, but the specialist isn't covered by my insurance, so the office visits will be costly.
If that doesn't work, then the next step is artificial insemination. This usually costs about 350-500 dollars, but there's a retired doctor that will provide the service at my health center for cost only, which is about 40 dollars. If THAT doesn't work, then IVF (in vitro fertilization) will be the last chance. Unfortunately, I hope we don't reach that stage, because the going price is $10,000+.
I have to admit, this is kind of a blow. Clomid is the best, easiest, cheapest choice - one that usually works for most couples. I'm pretty sure it would work for us, too, since the miscarriage was technically a positive result. However, losing my vision would definitely not be worth it, when there are still other options. However, I'm mostly going to miss working with my doctor. I don't like being out of my comfort zone, and traveling an hour away to visit a new doctor that isn't even covered by my insurance is definitely far out of that range. I'll do it, for sure, but it will set back the whole process a few months - again. We were hoping to have a child by now - not still wondering if it's even possible! I feel like Eric and I were so naive a year and a half ago, when we thought all it would take would just be not taking a little pill every day.
I'm so ready just to be a mother - to see my husband wrestle with our kids on the floor, to see my children pointing out pictures of Jesus, to hold a little one in my arms and know that he or she is mine forever.
We even have names picked out already! Boys will be Ethan James, Benjamin David, and Joseph (something). Girls will be Emily Rae, and Rebekah Vilate. It's so hard to not be able to share my longing with anyone else - because no one else quite understands how hard it can be.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Emotions
I can't decide if I am starting to feel better or not. I cried for the first two days straight. I don't think I even left my bed for those two days. After that, the numbness kind of set in. I was grateful for everything that had happened - that my miscarriage had been so early; there was no pain; there was not as many expectations; we hadn't told many people, etc. I still am thankful for the experience, in a way.
But at the same time, it has got to be the hardest thing I've ever been through. My doctor went over the stages of grief with Eric and I when we went in to see him. Most people tend to go through angry stages, hurt stages, hopeful stages, etc. Pretty much all I feel is jealousy. It's hard to go to church, where more than a quarter of the couples have new babies. It's hard to be around friends who are pregnant, because that's where I want to be so badly. I've even considered turning my back on facebook, because every other post seems to be someone announcing their pregnancy. I want so badly to be happy for these friends of mine, but it's so dang hard. And then I feel guilty for the self-pity. Please, Lord, can't I just have a baby of my own to hold and love?
But at the same time, it has got to be the hardest thing I've ever been through. My doctor went over the stages of grief with Eric and I when we went in to see him. Most people tend to go through angry stages, hurt stages, hopeful stages, etc. Pretty much all I feel is jealousy. It's hard to go to church, where more than a quarter of the couples have new babies. It's hard to be around friends who are pregnant, because that's where I want to be so badly. I've even considered turning my back on facebook, because every other post seems to be someone announcing their pregnancy. I want so badly to be happy for these friends of mine, but it's so dang hard. And then I feel guilty for the self-pity. Please, Lord, can't I just have a baby of my own to hold and love?
Friday, May 4, 2012
Sad News
This time, I'm just copying and pasting my post from facebook. I've been crying too much to do anything else.
I want to let everyone know what has been going on lately. Simply put, about a week and a half ago, Eric and I found out that we were expecting, but I have since miscarried. It's been a rough few days, but I have to express my thankfulness for a few things:
1. Supportive friends and family - they have meant the world to Eric and I over the past few days.
2. Priesthood blessings of comfort and he
I want to let everyone know what has been going on lately. Simply put, about a week and a half ago, Eric and I found out that we were expecting, but I have since miscarried. It's been a rough few days, but I have to express my thankfulness for a few things:
1. Supportive friends and family - they have meant the world to Eric and I over the past few days.
2. Priesthood blessings of comfort and he
alth - I know that what happened was the Lord's will.
3. I now know that I CAN get pregnant, which has been our biggest worry for the past year and a half. Now the next step is to see if I can carry a baby to full term.
4. I was only 6 weeks along - I know for sure that this could have been far harder and far more heart-breaking, but I thankfully only had a few days to build up hope and expectations.
I'm telling you guys all of this not to get pity or sympathy, but just to stave off any rumors that anyone might have heard, and.. yeah, just cause I want the people I love to know.
3. I now know that I CAN get pregnant, which has been our biggest worry for the past year and a half. Now the next step is to see if I can carry a baby to full term.
4. I was only 6 weeks along - I know for sure that this could have been far harder and far more heart-breaking, but I thankfully only had a few days to build up hope and expectations.
I'm telling you guys all of this not to get pity or sympathy, but just to stave off any rumors that anyone might have heard, and.. yeah, just cause I want the people I love to know.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
What?!?
GUESS WHAT?!
I'm pregnant. I've taken three tests so far, and they all agree!! :) We haven't told anyone yet - I don't want to share the news quite yet, so it's a good thing no one follows this blog (or knows it exists).
Eric and I find it hilarious that March was the one month that we were not supposed to get pregnant. Our current timeline goes like this: December 19th = Eric's birthday. December 25th = Christmas. December 29 = our anniversary. December 30th = My birthday.
Now guess when the due date is? You got it ... On Christmas. We are destined to be a winter family, I guess.
What makes it even funnier is that this was the month we had decided to give up on worrying about trying, just for one month. Maybe it was the lack of stress, but we evidently did something right!
I'm pregnant. I've taken three tests so far, and they all agree!! :) We haven't told anyone yet - I don't want to share the news quite yet, so it's a good thing no one follows this blog (or knows it exists).
Eric and I find it hilarious that March was the one month that we were not supposed to get pregnant. Our current timeline goes like this: December 19th = Eric's birthday. December 25th = Christmas. December 29 = our anniversary. December 30th = My birthday.
Now guess when the due date is? You got it ... On Christmas. We are destined to be a winter family, I guess.
What makes it even funnier is that this was the month we had decided to give up on worrying about trying, just for one month. Maybe it was the lack of stress, but we evidently did something right!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Summary
Lately, I've felt like I need a blog just for my own personal records, and a place to brain dump. I find myself constantly wanting to do facebook posts, but considering there is going to be lots of posts about periods, ovulation, sex, and probably some even weirder things, I'm not sure how many people I would make uncomfortable. So, a blog it is. Plus, I get the feeling that this could turn into a much larger ordeal than I am hoping for, so it will be good to keep a record for myself and anyone else who finds this interesting.
To sum things up thus far, here's some background: Eric and I got married in December of 2010. We decided in March of the following year that we wanted to start trying for a child. I had been on birth control, so I went off the pill, and we were hopeful to see what would happen.
I've always had "female problems", and have been seen by several gynocologists, and so far no one has figured anything out. Basically, I don't ovulate on my own, which means I don't get my period. I was on birth control to help with that, but the birth control was really messing up my body. So, when I stopped taking BC, no periods. I have never been given a diagnosis as to what is causing the problems - the doctors don't seem too concerned about anything major - after all, infertility affects one out of every 10 couples, often for unexplained reasons.
Anyway, after six months of trying with no success, Eric and I decided it was time to see a doctor.
My doctor, a wonderful man named Dr. Willmore, immediately put me on Provera (progesterone) to jumpstart my periods, and Clomid (clomiphene citrate) to help me ovulate, with an emergency prescription of estrogen if the Provera alone didn't work. My months basically went like this: take Provera for 5 days. Wait for period to start about 5 days later. If period doesn't start, take estrogen for 10 days, then Provera for 5 days. Take Clomid days 5-9 of my period. On days 10-25, take my basal body temperature every morning (first thing when I woke up), take an ovulation test every day to track ovulation, and have sex once a day. If my period returned (thus not being pregnant), I had to call and schedule an emergency appointment for a gyn exam, and start the whole process over again.
As of when this post is dated, I am on my 5th round of Clomid. I did two rounds at 50 mg, two rounds at 100 mg, and this round is 150 mg, the highest dose "they" (the powers that be, obviously) recommend you take.
It's been hard to go through with this so many times. I know 5 cycles/8 months doesn't seem like much, and I'm sure in the long run it really isn't, but when you want something so badly, and it is a righteous desire, it is hard to have a daily reminder of what you are missing. This month, I am putting everything aside and not worrying about taking my temperature or ovulation kits or anything. I need a break.
To sum things up thus far, here's some background: Eric and I got married in December of 2010. We decided in March of the following year that we wanted to start trying for a child. I had been on birth control, so I went off the pill, and we were hopeful to see what would happen.
I've always had "female problems", and have been seen by several gynocologists, and so far no one has figured anything out. Basically, I don't ovulate on my own, which means I don't get my period. I was on birth control to help with that, but the birth control was really messing up my body. So, when I stopped taking BC, no periods. I have never been given a diagnosis as to what is causing the problems - the doctors don't seem too concerned about anything major - after all, infertility affects one out of every 10 couples, often for unexplained reasons.
Anyway, after six months of trying with no success, Eric and I decided it was time to see a doctor.
My doctor, a wonderful man named Dr. Willmore, immediately put me on Provera (progesterone) to jumpstart my periods, and Clomid (clomiphene citrate) to help me ovulate, with an emergency prescription of estrogen if the Provera alone didn't work. My months basically went like this: take Provera for 5 days. Wait for period to start about 5 days later. If period doesn't start, take estrogen for 10 days, then Provera for 5 days. Take Clomid days 5-9 of my period. On days 10-25, take my basal body temperature every morning (first thing when I woke up), take an ovulation test every day to track ovulation, and have sex once a day. If my period returned (thus not being pregnant), I had to call and schedule an emergency appointment for a gyn exam, and start the whole process over again.
As of when this post is dated, I am on my 5th round of Clomid. I did two rounds at 50 mg, two rounds at 100 mg, and this round is 150 mg, the highest dose "they" (the powers that be, obviously) recommend you take.
It's been hard to go through with this so many times. I know 5 cycles/8 months doesn't seem like much, and I'm sure in the long run it really isn't, but when you want something so badly, and it is a righteous desire, it is hard to have a daily reminder of what you are missing. This month, I am putting everything aside and not worrying about taking my temperature or ovulation kits or anything. I need a break.
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